Monday, 19 April 2010

Myself to blame...!

Well, it had to happen didn't it? I only have myself to blame today, the payback for being healthy enough to go out and do something lovely yesterday has me in it's clutches. That elephant is HUGE - he's dancing on me from head to foot this morning....

Enough of him, lets talk about the 'something lovely'.

I own a pretty cute pony and carriage, as you can see he is a very good boy. My hubby and I took him out yesterday for a trot through the most gorgeous countryside and villages. The sun was out, roads were quiet, pony was happy-blissful! Heck, I even got to talk to hubby about some stuff that had been bothering me.... can it get any better?

The sound of hooves on the road, birds in the hedgerow, and distant farm machinery heralding the start of the farmer's busy season, spring had finally got sunny. We had to stop for photographs, people often leap outta cars and snap us as we pass by - or people in the villages smile and greet us. It really is the most wonderful way to bring on payback, that i know.

But, (and there always is one isn't there?) by the time we trotted back into the driveway, I knew I had overdone my day. The dragging feeling had taken my strength, it was all i could do to climb down and lead Merlin away. Hubby sorted him out, fed him and put him away for me and I came home to bed. Which, if I'm honest, is where I've been ever since - but what a way to get payback??!!

I know that people who see me driving the pony, smiling and enjoying myself, cannot comprehend how it affects me when I do this. They don't see how much pain I have, or the muscle weakness/shaking, headaches, neck and spine that is sore to touch, skin sensations, dizziness and treacle-thinking frustration that hits me soon afterwards. Maybe if they did, my life might be easier.

Should we allow our friends to see us when we are bad? I allowed one once, and after a long time had passed (I think she needed recovery time too!!!) she contacted me and we are still friends, but with a new understanding - I know she believes and understands me better now. Should we let our close friends in to see us at our worst-payback? Would this finish or strengthen a friendship? I dunno, and don't really want to experiment, the stakes are too high.


  1. Stacy,
    Great that you are following Stacy - Welcome!
    Remember to wipe the elephant poop from your shoes when you go!
    When I figure out how, I'll put your excellent blog on my bloglist too!

    Glad you are here,
    catch you soon,

  2. And, now, two days on, the joy of ULTRA-MEGA-UBER-SENSITIVE HEARING (ooh, don't shout!) is upon me!
    Even the 'plop' of a new FB chat message hurts this morning!

    I'm sure it is something lots of us get, anyone have any coping strategies?

    It rattles my brain and eyeballs-sounds a bit mad I know, but it is just indescribably horrible!

    (And, I'm secretly worried my brain will fall outta my ear, I think it must be small enough to fit by now!!!)

    Take care all,

  3. Hi Zarla, Love seeing you in your carriage! Your day of riding in the sunshine through the villages etc...sounds wonderful. I'm so glad you felt well enough to do it...even though it was a physically expensive exersion.

    The never ending question "Should I go out or let people in and see me as I am when I'm sick (which is our usual state) when we arn't having a "wow" time of being able to get out and look relatively "normal".

    After twenty years this question comes up in our house at least twice a week. People get confused when they me out. If we are out for the moment we are well enough to be doing so, sometimes with the help of "enabling tools" , in my case walker, medicine, adrenaline. My daughter who drives me about the most constantly has her friends tell her "Your mom looks so good. Glad she's feeling better"...not knowing that after our outing, my daughter has to help me to bed and I am very sick the rest of the day, and sometimes longer.

    People seeing me at my worst has been an unintentional test of true friendship. It can be scary if our symptoms are severe...or we haven't been able to bathe or dress beyond pj's in days, and we're pale and puffy eyed (wink.) If they remain our friends, they are true friends (courageous too).

    I have friends that my illness didn't make a difference. They are treasures. A good lot have walked away. I learn a lot about the relationships I want to cultivate, use my small amount of energy to keep nurturing.

    This weekend, a friend drove us out to breakfast. She carried my pillow into the restaurant for me. I teased her that the willingness to carry my pillow in public is a test of friendship. She told me she'd carry it all over the mall for me. A gem, I just love her...and if I could I'd carry pillows for her anywhere.

    Great topic Zarla as it is one we all face, so often, and the answer is never easy.

    Smile, smile, smile...seeing you in your pony carriage! Getting to see your picture finally--yeah Zarla. You are lovely!

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  5. Kerry,
    hee hee, belly laughs and giggling to the 'lovely' description! I only put that photo up there because you cant see me too well, u must have super vision!

    Your 'pillow-carrying' friend sounds a treasure, you are obviously great friend material yourself Kerry, as I can confirm!

    I've decided that I'm through with making excuses and wanting to hide myself from my friends,
    if they are honest and say they couldn't cope seeing me REALLY sick, then
    that is great. They can help and support in many other ways.

    Not everyone can, but it doesn't mean I can judge them any less a friend.
    I think I might have been a bit wary myself, some years ago.

    Of my 'healthy' friends I can't begin to imagine how they'd react - it is a big 'ask' - one to ponder I think!

  6. Hi what a brilliant blog, i signed up especially so i can follow them, love the elephant terminology, oh how right, its funny how youtalk about letting people in or not, my friday blog is about how i shut down and shut people out, its a hard one to call, i guess everyone has to do what's right for them, if we had all the anwsers life with M.E would certainly be alot easier. Will be taking time to catch up with some of you other blogs too. Well done, well worth the visit, Luv N gentle hugs :) xxx

  7. Stacy,
    Love that you are here, should I re-name the blog 'Carrying PINK Elephants' in your honour?

    You are right about not having all the answers, I dunno about you but it's taken me 10yrs to get comfortable enough, with myself, to talk openly about it....!

    Nobody is there to give you support, a listening ear etc. We are all still very much alone and trying to forge our own path through.

    Friends are invaluable-thats for sure, whether we let em in or keep em out, we NEED them!

    (In the words of a fb friend and respected blogger-)
    Stay blessed!



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