Saturday, 31 July 2010

Reality check!

I love to blog about doing lovely things, as in the last post, 'I Follow Humbly'. This is unfortunately not always the reality of life however. I managed that Lark Rise trip through careful planning and taking it easy in the days leading up to it, so that I could enjoy it. Thankfully it paid off and I had a great time.

Since that trip things have conspired to bring me back to earth with a 'thump'! It is sometimes my own doing, cos I push myself to my limits (and sometimes beyond em) but this time I am largely blameless!

Work has been more than usually stressful this last couple of months, building nicely into a semi permanent 'teetering on the edge of crash' state! I find I am unable to sort a particularly knotty issue out, caused by circumstances out of my control, all getting a bit much with this illness that hates stress.

Whilst my energy levels have been worse there are the usual culprits that appear when things aren't going so well. That bone crushing, aching tiredness and weakness that can stop you in your tracks sometimes- the body that's suddenly too heavy to take another step, and a brain that might be able to do the Times crossword one minute but can't find the words I need to complete a sentence the next, (sorry, that's not strictly true-I don't think I could do the Times crossword even when well!) Hearing sensitivities, tremors, muscle spasms and brain-fuzz of the most debilitating 'I can't remember what i am supposed to be saying' kind are also here and look like they're staying!

I am prone to muscle spasms in all sorts of odd places but my lower tummy has been really troublesome just lately, with horribly painful spasms and tension in the area around my pelvic floor muscles. I just cant relax them at all, night or day. Night is worse as lying down seems to make the pain more sleep for days now! Is this just my own brand of ME/CFS or do others get similar symptoms too?

Things aren't always good in anyone's life, they're sometimes very hard, painful, lonely and frustrating but I have an unshakeable faith that things do change, and hopefully for the better.

Will someone remind me of this please, when I'm mired in pain, fatigue and a basement low mood!? It's sure to happen, not as yet as I am definitely upbeat, but, as they say, "it's not over till the fat lady sings!" (But, don't worry, I'M keeping MY mouth firmly glued shut!!!!!)

Tuesday, 13 July 2010

Dissolving Concrete!

There's been a change in the weather here, from incredibly hot and humid, to plain old chilly with water falling out of the sky! Its been so long since that happened I've forgotten what it's called! Something to do with cats and dogs maybe?

It's a great thing though, it seems to have rained through my head, and taken some of the concrete with it, who'd have thought it, dissolving concrete! My head is clearer, calmer and I can think! Well, I know I'm maybe 'bigging up' my cognitive abilities, but it's all relative!

The world should get ready today as there are some knotty issues out there which I have been a bit remiss in sorting out. It's hard to have legality/policy based conversations with people when you are having trouble remembering what you were saying halfway through saying it!

There is a little teensy weensy bit of a downside though, cos we have ME/CFS and it's effects are always there - even when the concrete has trickled through the cracks in my brain. My head is clearer and feels great and I'm loving it, but my body is putting up a mega protest of it's own since the weather change.

I woke in head-to-toe pain yesterday, not something I usually suffer from. I generally manage to stay asleep if pain comes on overnight, it just hits me in the morning as I struggle with the usual joys of waking up. But this time I woke and was unable to move, call out, or poke my hubby to wake him! I just had to lay there for what seemed like an age, sweating and breathing my way through it till my arms would move and I could take the tablets which are kept in the bedside cabinet. When the pain had gone a little I was able to get up and go lie somewhere else, so hubby could sleep on.

I worked yesterday, even though I was a little drugged up on painkillers etc, but I made it through. I'm gonna have another go today as there are a couple of meetings I should be at, and I have tomorrow off anyhow.

It's a hard thing to do, to try to explain to healthy friends/family why I'd try to get to work through something that they would definitely stay in bed for. I think it has a lot to do with the constant sickness that this disease brings. We have to get used to a certain level of 'feeling ill' as being a good day, and if we stayed at home for every ache and pain we would, most likely, never be out at all.

I'm happy to put up with this level of pain (drugs accepted of course!!) if it means I get my head back and can carry on conversations and READ!

I hope that wherever you are the weather is being kind to you,

Sunday, 11 July 2010

Whatever next?

I blogged some time ago about my hubby's plans for keeping a couple of pigs in our orchard, but you never heard anything more.

Well, here we go again, he takes delivery of two gilts (sow piglets) next week! OMG, take a long look at my orchard as it is cos I think it may be a little less picturesque after they move in!

I don't really think he's fully aware of how much of his time they may take, and there's not a chance I will be mucking out or filling feed troughs! I don't think pig keeping figures highly on the recommended coping strategies for ME/CFS!

It's a fair way from the house to the orchard, (past the yurt!) so I'll only be visiting on those good days anyway!

Yesterday he and his father made a gate, and put in the fence posts around the pigpen. Today they plan to put the wire on the fence, and plumb in the water trough. Where do they find their energy from...? My hubby's father is only 76!!!

I went down, held a few bits of wood in the right place for measuring etc, then retreated to the house for a rest! Ahh, (sighs wistfully) I used to be the one working from dawn till dusk on a project like this, enjoying the whole process.

I really miss the sense of achievement I used to get from a busy day gardening or something like that. Now, thinking about it, I feel rather removed from my garden, and the whole excitement surrounding the piggy-arrivals.

I tend to just experience things in terms of seats and hammocks, as opposed to the spades and lawnmowers of the past. Mmm, feeling a little wistful now.......

I would have enjoyed the pig aspect much more too, pre-M.E. But, as it is I tend to look upon everything with cautious eyes, hoping that the elephants wont strike!

(Hey, sorry but it must have been a couple of posts since the last 'Elephant' reference, so live with it!)

Body and brain tired, thinking through sludge again, eyes preferring not to focus properly, muscle spasms, sensitive hearing etc etc, but this crazy life goes on...!

Pet pigs, whatever next?!?!???

Tuesday, 6 July 2010

Concrete in the mist!

23- This is how many times I've started this post this morning....! Oh the things my head is and isn't doing today. It's a painful mess of whizzing/flickering thoughts, images and snippets of remembered sounds.

On days like these I can best describe my head as 'concrete' in the mist.....! The mist swirls with these unwanted and incredibly random thoughts and 'stuff'. If I try to navigate through this mist, to think properly, I eventually get to the concrete.....this is what has happened to the rest of my brain!

(It's now much later, it's exhausting this blogging, especially when someone has concreted the inside of my head!)

It feels physically heavy and 'set'. Not in a nice 'set yogurt' or 'jelly (jello)' kind of way, but definitely concrete.

Thinking and trying to be creative (blogging etc) through this is incredible, and I think i'm going on about it too much, but today I'm really struggling and have to admit to that! I can't remember a time it was ever this bad!

It's not going to be a post with a point, I'm just resigned to that after hours of trying to write and failing,......!

This is probably my most debilitating symptom, and certainly hard to describe to others, especially our nearest, dearest and interested others. Hubby has retreated, as he can see how tough i'm finding it today.

I hope you all have a concrete-free day!

Friday, 2 July 2010

Headless again!

Ooh, I got myself in such a tizz yesterday! I was at the office, supposedly creating, saving and printing out a few diary sheets with records of my appointments for the last few weeks, on my computer.

I got in a real pickle as each time I'd saved a diary sheet on the computer, I'd instantly forget that I had, then I'd not remember if I'd printed it yet, and go look in my printer.

Then when I got back to the computer I'd not remember if I'd saved it, so I'd check, then....... did I already print this one? Back to the printer again to check!!!!!

It took me a very long time and lots of my already dwindling energy to complete just four sheets! Not great workload turnout!

I was so hooked up with trying to concentrate on my task, I forgot to think "Hey, this is hard, must be time to go home!"

The after effects are still with me, over the evening and last night my brain has gone to concrete again. Those of you who know me will have noticed I am back to writing just a couple of lines of text before I have to have a space, to help me 'get it'!

I won't even tell you how long I've been working on this post, or how many times I've read and re-read it as I've gone along.

My problems with the written word and the thoughts involved in writing/reading come and go. But don't they affect all parts of life when they're troublesome?

I have many funny stories about how I have made gaffs when working or at home, the written records I have ALMOST turned out etc..... And, if and when I can write em more easily, I may just share!!!

Here's to thinking through sludge, and it's many and varied little 'funnies'! Cos if we didn't laugh, we might just....... erm....... what was I saying?