It's a tough thing, this handing over control. A friend ventured to tell me that she thought I was "a bit of a control freak".....! I immediately looked stern and replied "NO I'M NOT! I'm a LOT of a control freak!"
I began thinking that in our world there are lots of things that are beyond our control due to our condition. Most of these things are trivial ones, the gardening, the housework, the state of the fridge etc!
But then, there are the bigger things, the personal and important battles. The ones that take their toll on our resilience and character.
The plans that have to change, suddenly NEEDING to rest just before you should be somewhere, shaking so much that any further involvement in the day (however cool it might have been) is over. Those endless days when you are so sick that plans themselves are too much to think about.
Today, my changed plan is a trivial one - I'd promised myself an afternoon sleep/rest in our yurt in the garden. I got home, walked down to the yurt to open it, and went back to the house to get something (with what proved to be my last dribble of energy!)
Back in the house my head span, the tiredness ached in my middle like I was made of lead, and I was not at all sure my legs would get me back out there without giving up altogether!
So, for the zillionth time, my plans changed...! I've spent the last 2hours sleeping and resting here, in bed, easier to reach than the yurt! Not nearly so much fun, or so cool i can assure you. Something to do with the dusty surfaces and piles of laundry (clean and otherwise)!
I think I hang onto the things I can control, maybe it's desperation to have predictability, normality, some kind of feeling of self-worth, i dunno. Gettin myself in too deep for my present level of cognition to handle...! Elephants came and stole my brain while I slept! (Hey, now there's a blog title if ever I saw one! Or, perhaps a horror movie!!!!)
Re-reading this I find that it will seem EXTREMELY trivial to all but me. I guard my me-time ferociously as it is so important to me, and equally important that it's the right kind! And this feels important enough to blog, but in the scheme of things, I'm probably just being grumpy!