Monday, 30 August 2010

My Brain Scares Me Sometimes!

I'm missing my holidays, yes I have only worked 2 days per week over the summer, but I've had possibly the most stressful 6 weeks ever!

There have been work stresses which have meant late evening phone calls, conversations which need brain power and concentration in spade loads. Exhausting!

My husband has been doing fencing, making gates etc, for his pigs. This has meant I (and it has to be me because he doesn't drive) have spent many hours going here and there on some errand or another. Buying, sourcing, fetching and carrying bolts, wire, screws, wood, hay, pig food etc etc etc....the list seems endless! Exhausting!

Looking after the pony and carriage, meeting the farrier etc. Being taxi driver for Ben to go back and forth to work at the stable, and his riding lessons. Exhausting!

Trying to cope with family life over the summer, demands v pacing/resting. Need I say more, I know you're all nodding sagely.

Organised a 16th birthday for my son, which I don't begrudge the guy at all, but it's.... wait for it......... Exhausting!

Looking at it all it's little wonder I'm as frazzled as I am, it's a formidable and daunting list. All this mixed in with a hubby who, at times, is a good way short of being understanding, and the general day to day activities that I normally manage.

I think I've done fairly well to still be upright by now!

It is all very stressful, and I feel that stress bodily and mentally, but mostly cognitively. I can forget within a nano-second what I was doing or saying. This is OK when it's something like "which load of washing was I putting in the machine?" But when it's something a bit more important (not that clean clothes aren't important you understand!) such as, when driving, which pedal is the brake? Boy it sometimes scares the pants off me!

That particular lapse has only happened once, just yesterday, and I'm still reeling from the feeling of panic. Having to check in my mirror then take both feet off the pedals and re-evaluate what I was asking them to do. The possible consequences are too much to think about. In fact most things are just now!

These cognitive challenges are a whole post on their own, but the point of this one, I think, is to tie my concrete-headedness in with the difficult times of late. Much as I try not to admit it, I can't handle stress like I used to, and it's getting worse.

There are some difficult times ahead, my son starts college and later this week there is a meeting at work that I would much rather never needed to happen. I am seriously wondering how much longer I will be able to sustain the upright version of me.....!

I hope I can, it's a much better version than the pyjama'd and horizontal one that threatens to rear her 'ugly' head!

I hope, oh faithful and determined reader, that our respective 'worlds' are kind to us this week, and our brains can keep up!!!!!!


  1. Oh yes, nodding sagely all the way through. Although my partner doesn't run to pigs, we have constant arguments about his seeming to ignore my physical condition and making bright suggestions about camping holidays or days out at folk festivals. Time to put your foot down with a firm hand! Sausages anyone?

  2. Ha Ha Jo! I can see that going down well, need a lodger?!???

    It's very draining isn't it, living with someone who is just not on the same page? I know I find it very upsetting sometimes - love him as I do!

    I manage to do lots of things, but they have to be at the right time for me. Just because I can clean out the hen-shed one day doesn't mean I'm able to do it another. I think it's the fluctuating symptoms and stamina that he finds hardest to understand.
    Still, he's not alone there, I find that hard to understand too!

    Perhaps we should take a Chronic Illness Tent to Glasto.....!

  3. I wonder how many CFSers it would take to erect a Chronic Illness Tent? And how long it would take? LoL

  4. Zarla another wonderful blog, i'm going to nag you now though lol! read your blog back and you'll see that you're being given neon flashing light warnings about what's coming unless you do something and yet you're still rollerskating down hill at a million miles an hour. If you dont stop from free will, you'll be stopped wether you like it or not eventually and if you leave it to that point you're in danger of it being a bad one, as frustrating as it is, you have to stop when you're getting warning signs, who's gonna care when you've lost your job and end up bedbound?

    I'm only moaning at you coz i care and you're doing way way too much, i can see it &'m sure others can too, you may well say you cant stop, but if you carry on going the way you are you may well end up with no choice and i'd hate that to happen.

    Oh, i'd love to take a tent to glasto...but the noise would be too much, oh to be young, healthy and carefree lol! keep on keepin on hun and take care, i worry bout ya :) xxx

  5. We'd need a yurt, as they're covered in thick felt, to muffle the music! I think we may need help to put it up though... hadn't thought of that Jo and Stacy...

    I'm so touched at your comment, and concern for me. Thankyou. It has been rough, but I'm hoping that the work stresses are over, and I can get back to normal. School holidays are always hard work, but they're over too.

    I will try to be careful, I should be doing things now, but instead I'm resting here, and in a mo I'm going to have a nap.

    I do push myself, but that's just the kinda gal I am!!!
    As we've both said before, you can't let M.E. rule everything!


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