Just can't seem to come up with anything interesting or even mildly diverting today, my head is creating a world of it's own and doesn't seem to have let me in on the plot!
I tried to talk to my friend last evening but the words just would not come, too hard to get them in my head, ordered, and spoken in a sensible and coherent way! Poor girl, she had to keep breaking the silence herself, whereas normally I can be relied upon to waffle on for Britain! I managed a few sentences of 'cocktail party' type chat, but nothing meaningful!! Sorry A!
This morning I tried to have a reasoned and sensible talk with my hubby, but I couldn't manage to make what was in my head come out of my mouth. Now, he'll tell you that is not something I usually have an issue with! Ha!
I really had trouble forming the thoughts and finding the words, it was worse than normal, and much more frustrating because I really wanted/needed to talk to him this morning. (Not that I don't at any other time you understand!)
'Thinking through treacle' doesn't touch how it feels, nor does 'brain fog'. I may have to return to that tired old analogy of 'Concrete'! As some of you will know I have regular attacks of 'concrete-headed-ness' and it can be extremely debilitating. Trying to explain to hubby, through the concrete, that I couldn't get my thoughts and words sorted, without the thoughts or words needed for such an explanation, was nigh on impossible today. I just stumbled about a bit, saying goodness knows what and floundering! Doesn't make for a good start to the day.
It all seems to be much worse at the moment, which I think is probably due to some pretty stressful situations here and there, taking their toll on my health and little grey cells. It doesn't take much extra in the brain, to throw it completely and render me a useless lump of uncommunicative, tastefully pyjama'd wife!
When I'm stressed I need to be able to think things through, to work out possible consequences and how it may be best to deal with them. But instead I find all I am doing is trying to bludgeon my way through the concrete to thoughts which whirl and slide about, making me more frustrated and emotional than relaxed and sorted.
Hey ho! For someone who's thoughts are 'sleeping with the fishes' I've managed quite a long post.....sorry if it's rambled, but I guess you're used to me by now!
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Zarla,
ReplyDeleteI guess I'm not as terminally unique as I thought! You've done such a good job describing the cognitive loss of function that we experience...
I have always been a verbal person, as well as an *external processor*...talking about things is how I make sense of my experiences. Losing my ability to articulate my thoughts and feelings has been a real loss. I've retained some ability to write it out...but it's a slow process, with long pauses as I wait for a break in the fog so I can continue. It is also affecting my ability to spell...I was a champion spelling student in school, actually very good in all aspects of English. I now write stream of consciousness style, my grammar is hit and miss...and I greatly overuse the ellipsis (but I did remember the word for it, ha!)
So many losses to come to terms with from having this illness, but as the saying goes, "Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most."
Thanks for sharing, I feel a lot less alone today.
*hugs*
Yes, Yes, YES Kate! I miss my mind the most too! I can deal with aches and pains, and have coping strategies for energy levels, sensitive hearing etc. etc. etc.
ReplyDeleteBut, I am most affected by my lack of clear thought, memory and articulation. The uninitiated who may read this will think if we can write these blogs and comments we can't be that bad, but how long should it take to write them? How much energy should it take?
If reading this has helped you an a small way today Kate, then I'm glad I persevered! Take care, and long may we continue to find the energy to post, comment, and support others.
Hugs right back at you!
Z
Yep same...I think atm the school holidays and everything else that's going on doesn't help...just too much input and not enough space to process. My thought processes and writing and typing is terrible just now. I feel like my head/brain is a 5 litre bucket trying to hold 10 litres so something has to give/spill..and its usually words, phrases, names. Writing like this is different because you can go back, correct as many times as you need to so the result is acceptable. In real time all the rubbish comes spilling out ones mout for all to hear/see
ReplyDeleteCusp, you are so right about the holdays too. They are enough to send my brain into meltdown, but school holidays and 'life'... not a hope of coherence I'm afraid!
ReplyDeleteI like the 5 litre bucket thingy, But I'd like to add that my bucket has holes in so some stuff leaks out before I've had chance to deal with it!
I find I give up talking when it's tough going, mainly to spare the rest of the world!
Here's to the return of space, time, processing and coherence..... just gotta get the kids back to school first!
Take care,
Zxxx