Monday, 11 October 2010

One Year Old Today!

It's a bit of a special day today, exactly a year since the accident that was most likely the cause of my latest ME/CFS crash, which caught up with me about a week later.

My son and I were out on our pony carriage, I was having a period of OK-ish health so all was good. The edited version of events was that a large dog jumped out at my pony's head, so he jumped onto the grass verge to get away, taking the carriage and us with him. This would have been OK if the verge were flat, but it was very steeply sloped and so the carriage went over and we were flung out. My son was shocked and a little winded (they bounce at 15 don't they!) and I broke a bone in my back (didn't do the bouncing thing quite so well huh!).

A couple of days later I began to feel unwell, but as all I could do was stand or lie down, I was resting as much as I was able to in the painfull circumstances! Things started to really catch up with me about a week later and ended up in a full blown crash, hearing, eyes, brain, skin tingles, pain, stiffness, balance, energy, nausea, spaced out, etc etc, you name it, I had taken a delivery of it!

My usual pattern of crash and recovery has always been fairly good, usually a slow build up to a crash, feeling it creep up on me over a month or so, then 2 or 3 months off work and back to where I was before. The whole episode lasting about 5 months from crash to full time work again.

I was not prepared for the impact (if that's the most apt word) that this relapse would have on me.

I returned to work in December last year, and have had a year of illness and struggles to keep my head above water at work, starting on just 2 part-mornings a week, and building up.
A whole year later and I am still struggling with hearing issues, skin sensations and aches and pains. I am stiff and a bit clumsy, but not nearly so bad. 'Concrete-brain' and word finding are horrendous. My stamina and energy are still much reduced compared to 'pre-carriage stunt' levels, and I have come to the conclusion that I am probably going to stay like this, certainly for the time being.

If I had taken more time off work would I have made a better recovery? Has pushing myself this year taken it's toll? Is this why I'm still this ill? Who knows, we all do what we think is best at the time and that's fine.

It's been the most life changing year so far, I have had to reduce what I do for the longest period since I was first ill, in 2000. I've done a lot of accepting!
Not meaning to sound cheesy, I am more settled with my illness and state of health than ever before. My husband is more accepting, which makes a huge difference to everything, and I've stopped feeling so guilty and trying to deny it all the time. I now have friends with ME/CFS too, it's all made a much happier me!

I know I moan and grumble but just imagine what I WOULD have been like!


  1. Blimey! I didn't know this had happened to you. In some ways you had a lucky escape, and in others, well . . .

    Maybe you can stick with this new normal for a while (not that you have much choice) and work within it to build some recovery. My counsellor always says the way to increase your window of tolerance is to stay within it, not to exceed it.

    Happy anniversary!

  2. Jo,
    Good words, and from a counsellor too! I have been angry, upset, grieved and shouted at the circumstances. Now, except on a few dark days here and there, I have accepted and stopped trying so hard.

    I think it's the same for many people I know, and I am incredibly lucky that I have regained as much as I have in the circumstances.

    Here's to each of our 'fights' and to our impressions of Boudicca that may fool some of the people some of the time!!!


  3. I didn't know about this accident, Zarla. Yes, you were lucky to not have been hurt more badly. But look what it set off -- a very tough year. But it sounds like you've reached a place of peace with it. There was nothing cheesy about what you said. It took me many years to come to that place of acceptance and shed the self-blame. I'm so happy we have each other, our little tight-knit community.

  4. Oh Wow Toni, so am I! Our community is so strong, each of us may not feel strong individually, but together.......!

    You know, since starting 'the book' I often think "how would Toni view this?"!

    Take care Toni!

  5. Hi Zar, I didn't know of your accident last year. It is interesting the impact it had on your it seems so many with Fibromyalgia have a neck or back injury that starts or flares the illness.

    I have a neck injury, that was a part of the beginnings of FMS/CFS for me. This week I will have an MRI on my lower back to see if it my lumbar spine is in good shape and not adding to symptoms in my legs. Have you had an MRI, to know if the injury last year caused stenosis (narrowing around the spinal cord), which for some (especially if CNS is already compromised)?

    To find the acceptance that you have (and for your husband to as well) gives such peace of mind, which in turn helps our struggling systems, as our bodies can concentrate on keeping as much homeostasis as possible instead of putting much energy into the mind's upset.

    I miss you! Still rarely online due to eyes, but trying to visit my online friends. I can't wait for Toni's book to come out as an audio-book; sounds like its wonderful--how could it not be if she wrote it?!

    Notice that its been a month since you've posted. Hope you're doing okay Zar. I think of you so often. Want to talk more about the possibility of skyping? Hugs, Kerry

  6. Kerry
    oh yes!
    I'll contact you soon.

    I'm afraid I've not been blogging as I should -it has been a difficult time in one way or another.

    I can't tell you how thrilled I am that you came and left a comment, It is fantastic news, and given me a lift today.

    take care Kerry,

  7. nice flow. great to share. keep talking!

  8. yikes. what year indeed. nice blog. lovely post. keep on!

  9. Hi there 'friend'!
    Thankyou for commenting, it was what i needed to get me blogging again. I'd had so much going on, i just couldn't bring myself to!



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