Wednesday, 17 November 2010

Elephant Footprints on my Brain!

It's been a very long haul since the last time I felt able to write a post. My life seems to have been taken over by a very exhausting and largely unnecessary situation which is not easy to blog about.

I would love nothing more than to tell all, and share how difficult things can be for PWME who also work, but I'm scared that blogging about it may compromise myself and my situation at the moment. It REALLY doesn't need any more complicating!

So, I think I'm on safer ground telling you how my health is being affected by the 8 month ordeal (so far!) that I find myself staggering through - utterly mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted-!

A lot of added stress is being placed upon me by a boss and a situation, despite advice from medical practitioners, and the situation just goes on. I have been left striving to continue to do my job, giving 100% as I always do. This has not only halted my recovery from the ME/CFS crash that happened a year ago, but has reversed it somewhat.

My body has been less mobile, more painful and on the whole plain old 'doddery-er' than at any time I've been at work. I often drag my legs, stumble, lose balance, shake and can have very painful muscle spasms to contend with, whilst trying to maintain myself and my work persona.

My heart rate has been all over the place, and light and sound sensitivity have threatened to put me on my back more than once. The heavy dragging emptiness of the fatigue (many elephants worth!) is sometimes overwhelming, but me and the herd, we fight on!

Mentally and cognitively the challenges are ELEPHANT SIZED too! I am having to try to keep 'he said this' and 'she said that' all in my head and talk about them with some kind of fake confidence. I am trying to keep written records of key conversations but even committing them to paper is an ordeal that leaves 'elephant footprints' on my brain.....destroying it for the rest of the day!

Face to face meetings about contracts and grievances are horribly difficult to be in. Not only is there the stressful situation, but I am having to keep attention, understand and think through points with little or no support from others. I am under pressure to be able to respond with correct, meaningful words and facts in a confident and positive way. Not always possible for me, and certainly not easy even on the best of days!

My emotions are all over the place-am i able to cope for the next minute, hour, day or week? Is my energy going to hold out for this meeting, or this phone call? How long can i continue to go on like this before i am totally wiped and back on full time sick leave again? Is this what would make some people happy? Endlessly being kept in the dark is also taking an emotional toll.

Please forgive the indulgent 'offloading' that just got in the way of what could have been an informative and interesting post! Maybe when my body, heart and head can relax a little more I'll be able to create one!


  1. And, whilst I'm here, let me say "hi" and "Welcome" to the new members of 'the herd'!

    ALWAYS great to see new people pop-up in the box to the right, please leave a comment so I can say 'Hi' personally!

    Take care,

  2. Hi Zarla,

    It's just so great to hear from you. I'm so sorry about what you're going through. I hope there's some resolution soon. Eight months is a long time to be under stress. I have trouble restraining my "advice giving" side, but you (understandably) haven't told us about what's happening. All I would say is: keep a written record (but you probably already know that).

    Just know that I'm thinking of you and hope that you find some relief soon.


  3. Thanks Toni,
    It's lovely to hear from you too, and I appreciate the advice. I have to write EVERYTHING down otherwise it leaves my head!

    Hopefully I can report some good news soon!

    Take care of Toni,

  4. You already know what I think ! Self serving ******** !

  5. Oh Sweetheart. So feel for you. I too hope it doesn't continue for you much longer. I know how much a situation like this takes out of us.

    Don't let somebody else dictate your moves, you are the one you need to concentrate on, do what is right for you. We are all thinking of you. X

  6. Hi Sue,
    Thankyou for your kind words, good to meet you.
    I'm doing my best to carry on regardless and hope for the best.

    I love my job and can cope with the ups and downs of ME/CFS whilst doing it. I would just like to be able to do it without an extra helping of stress!

    Once again, I appreciate your comment, thankyou!
    Zarla xx

  7. Hey!

    I read this the other night on my mobile but it wouldn't let me comment. I hope you're feeling ok and looking after yourself missy!! I also hope you feel a bit better for offloading this into the internet, I think that is what it's best for :-)

    Hope it all gets sorted out very soon! Thinking of you xxx

  8. Hey there, good to see you!
    Thankyou for not only looking once, but coming back again and leaving me a lovely comment.

    Nothing about this illness is easy!
    take care,


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