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I've been scratching about trying to find inspiration for another 'rambling blog', and here he was all the time- sitting there on my shoulders, peeking down at me and waving his trunk! My elephant wants to be big, powerful and in control. He's never happier than when he is up there on my shoulders- looming large!If I'm having a good patch, one where my elephant starts to shrink a little he gets upset. Then he whispers in my ear (and the niggling little thoughts creep in)- You know the ones, the things that you would like to do to celebrate having a little more energy today! When my elephant shrinks I try incredibly hard to ignore his sneaky whispering. I put my fingers in my ears and "la, la, la, la," loudly, but it just doesn't work. I'm always falling into the trap he sets for me, overstepping my energy every time!WELL BE CAREFUL ZARLA!
He does his whispering trick to get me to overdo it, to be too energetic, to enjoy the moment and let go a little. It feels great whilst I'm doing it, so liberating and I really cant remember the last time I felt like this!Well, yes I can! It was the last time I listened to that @*##~* elephant! He knows that if I take a few steps too many, walk around that one last shop, or rake those last few leaves he will have won, and be back to his old weighty self before long.Yesterday, and for the last few days, my elephant has been quite small, sitting there mostly bored and dejected. Once or twice he tried to show himself, jumped up and down for some attention, but it was short lived. However after a mega day of working, driving here and there, and a meditation session (in the hardest and most upright chair imaginable!) he is back today!!!!He is big, heavy, cumbersome and happy- smiling from flappy ear, to flappy ear! He's back in control, stomping his huge feet and trumpeting in my ringing ears, making it hard to concentrate and think, and how I hate it! Someone buy me an elephant gun!!!!!
What a morning! So bright and sunny here in Leicestershire. It's one of those wonderful days that I get big ideas about what I should do today. It's one of those days I feel like the old me is just under the surface, and if I only got down to one of those energetic garden jobs I used to enjoy, she'd pop back out and the 'M.E. me' would be gone, at least for a little while. It's a dangerous feeling that is brought on by the changing of seasons, some time at home, and a few DIY jobs that NEED attention. I'm sure i'm not the only one feeling it?One horribly difficult word is itching it's way through my head, PACING. Is there anything harder to do? Come on, who has mastered this art? Please own up if you have, leave us a comment and I'll let the rest of the world know..... I JUST CAN'T get my head around it!Still, the day beckons and I'll be off now, must go do something, but I'll try to follow my own advice. Which, (however I try to phrase it) sounds like a line from a 'Carry on' film! Do it gently, and not for too long!
Well, here it is, my first attempt at blogging! Please be patient with me, as this '40 something' dizzy brain of mine stretches to take in the new information that's being thrown at it! I really think that I ought to just explain "Carrying Elephants" to those who do not understand ME/CFS that well. Some days, my body just feels like I have a rather overweight elephant sitting right up there on my shoulders, or having a piggyback! It can be a relentless crushing weight that makes simple jobs like cleaning your teeth or even breathing utterly exhausting (well elephants aren't small you know!!) But, most of the time, when you look at me you won't see my elephant, he hides behind my determination to get on as best I can. So you see smiles, and humour and confidence instead.But, this blog is not all doom and gloom, ME/CFS is simply a part of my crazy, chaotic, thoughtful, sad, happy, carefree, scary, frustrating life! I am modelling this blog on some that I follow, and more features will appear in the near future (as I learn what they are and how to use them!)Well, I think i've got the basics covered-hold tight world, I may actually produce a blog worth reading in the near future!
