Doh!

Ok, time I came clean about why I'm feeling a bit down at the moment.

Most of my 10 years of elephant carrying has been fairly predictable. After an initial year spent bed/housebound I made it back to a level of functioning which allowed me to work, and even attempt a degree course (which I was unable to finish I'm afraid!).

I mostly poddled along day to day, coping with my symptoms and limitations as best I could. These were at times quite debilitating, but occasionally I managed periods of relative wellness, (it's ALL relative isn't it?) at one point I even managed a trip to Mongolia and rode horses for days on end!

At some point in each of the last 10 years I have had a relapse, crash, setback, whatever you call it, it's the same old beast! These crashes have always been debilitating, disabling, difficult to manage, mood-shattering, and above all scary. Who's to say how long you'll be feeling this way, and what happens to family life, work and all those other commitments whilst you are unable to contribute? Your daily energy, health and resilience reduced to a fraction of what it was just weeks before.

These relapses have meant I needed months off work, only able to return when I felt it was possible. Work were always understanding, and some semblance of a normal life (whatever that is?) could be resumed. This last 'crash' has been quite different however and has opened up a whole new set of worries for me.

In October last year I had an accident, and a week or so after that my latest relapse started to kick in. My injuries made it hard to lie or sit down, so in the initial period after the accident I was not able to rest as I would have been doing normally. As I write this and read it back I am beginning to see how stupid I was to be surprised I had a relapse..... injury then no rest...."Doh!"

Still, I had an initial month off work and a 'managed' phased return to work was agreed and started. Yes, I know it makes no sense NOW! Just a month off for a ME/CFS crash! I thought that the slow and steady return to work was going to be the best option and I stand by that...... but I should have been healthier and taken more time to recover before trying it!

Since December's return to working just two part mornings a week, I have strived to do as many hours as I can. I have spent each week pushing myself to up my hours and return to a full working week as I have always done. It has been nearly a whole year since this ME/CFS relapse started and although I have had some good days, it shows no signs of lifting and allowing me to settle back into my limited but fairly stable existence. I can manage working part time, but it is eating up my energy, and my life out of work is suffering to the point that it often becomes extinct!!!

I pushed myself constantly over this last year, and I can't help but wonder that if I'd not done so, would I have managed to return to work better and more fully than now? I don't know, but I DO KNOW how sick I feel almost all the time of late. Whether I'm at work or at home.

So now for the honest and heart-on-my-sleeve bit........ I am inevitably starting to ask myself difficult questions. Is this it for me now? Is this level of health/sickness my new 'norm'? Can I return to how I was this time last year, and manage to work as before?

Having a crisis of 'positive thinking'!

Lost the plot!

Just can't seem to come up with anything interesting or even mildly diverting today, my head is creating a world of it's own and doesn't seem to have let me in on the plot!

I tried to talk to my friend last evening but the words just would not come, too hard to get them in my head, ordered, and spoken in a sensible and coherent way! Poor girl, she had to keep breaking the silence herself, whereas normally I can be relied upon to waffle on for Britain! I managed a few sentences of 'cocktail party' type chat, but nothing meaningful!! Sorry A!

This morning I tried to have a reasoned and sensible talk with my hubby, but I couldn't manage to make what was in my head come out of my mouth. Now, he'll tell you that is not something I usually have an issue with! Ha!

I really had trouble forming the thoughts and finding the words, it was worse than normal, and much more frustrating because I really wanted/needed to talk to him this morning. (Not that I don't at any other time you understand!)

'Thinking through treacle' doesn't touch how it feels, nor does 'brain fog'. I may have to return to that tired old analogy of 'Concrete'! As some of you will know I have regular attacks of 'concrete-headed-ness' and it can be extremely debilitating. Trying to explain to hubby, through the concrete, that I couldn't get my thoughts and words sorted, without the thoughts or words needed for such an explanation, was nigh on impossible today. I just stumbled about a bit, saying goodness knows what and floundering! Doesn't make for a good start to the day.

It all seems to be much worse at the moment, which I think is probably due to some pretty stressful situations here and there, taking their toll on my health and little grey cells. It doesn't take much extra in the brain, to throw it completely and render me a useless lump of uncommunicative, tastefully pyjama'd wife!

When I'm stressed I need to be able to think things through, to work out possible consequences and how it may be best to deal with them. But instead I find all I am doing is trying to bludgeon my way through the concrete to thoughts which whirl and slide about, making me more frustrated and emotional than relaxed and sorted.

Hey ho! For someone who's thoughts are 'sleeping with the fishes' I've managed quite a long post.....sorry if it's rambled, but I guess you're used to me by now!

Headless again!

Ooh, I got myself in such a tizz yesterday! I was at the office, supposedly creating, saving and printing out a few diary sheets with records of my appointments for the last few weeks, on my computer.

I got in a real pickle as each time I'd saved a diary sheet on the computer, I'd instantly forget that I had, then I'd not remember if I'd printed it yet, and go look in my printer.

Then when I got back to the computer I'd not remember if I'd saved it, so I'd check, then....... did I already print this one? Back to the printer again to check!!!!!

It took me a very long time and lots of my already dwindling energy to complete just four sheets! Not great workload turnout!

I was so hooked up with trying to concentrate on my task, I forgot to think "Hey, this is hard, must be time to go home!"

The after effects are still with me, over the evening and last night my brain has gone to concrete again. Those of you who know me will have noticed I am back to writing just a couple of lines of text before I have to have a space, to help me 'get it'!

I won't even tell you how long I've been working on this post, or how many times I've read and re-read it as I've gone along.

My problems with the written word and the thoughts involved in writing/reading come and go. But don't they affect all parts of life when they're troublesome?

I have many funny stories about how I have made gaffs when working or at home, the written records I have ALMOST turned out etc..... And, if and when I can write em more easily, I may just share!!!

Here's to thinking through sludge, and it's many and varied little 'funnies'! Cos if we didn't laugh, we might just....... erm....... what was I saying?

Brain...? What brain...?

AGH! I'm just about ready to sign up for a brain transplant! Just right now I'd cheerfully flick a switch to shut mine down completely.

For the last couple of days/nights, my brain has been in random thought and vision mode! I JUST CANNOT finish a thought, or even pursue it for more than a couple of seconds before it slips away from me. Pushed out by a randomly (or so it seems) created thought or mental picture.

Overnight I've been unable to sleep, but my head has been a constantly flickering blur of visions and thoughts that I have to admit I have no control over. (Pretty much like when Mr.H has control of the TV remote!) All efforts to concentrate on something, even a very familiar something, are as useless as a chocolate tea-pot!

I can't tell you how wearing this is, but I'm sure many of you don't need telling, and are probably nodding sagely as you read this! I'm at the stage where it hurts now-not an actual headache, but an uncomfortable 'stirred up' feeling that makes me want to retreat to a darkened room to wait it out. Life will not permit that today though!

Writing this has helped a little, calmed the maelstrom that rages inside. Another of the hidden delights of my condition I think..... "thanks!" It only happens occasionally but when it does it is devastating and sometimes lasts for more days than I'm happy to accept.

I'm afraid I have written this post, but, due to my dodgy concentration, can't manage to re-read it to see if it flows or there are any typos, so I'll trust spellchecker and you all!
Here's to calmer seas!