It's been a very long haul since the last time I felt able to write a post. My life seems to have been taken over by a very exhausting and largely unnecessary situation which is not easy to blog about.
I would love nothing more than to tell all, and share how difficult things can be for PWME who also work, but I'm scared that blogging about it may compromise myself and my situation at the moment. It REALLY doesn't need any more complicating!
So, I think I'm on safer ground telling you how my health is being affected by the 8 month ordeal (so far!) that I find myself staggering through - utterly mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted-!
A lot of added stress is being placed upon me by a boss and a situation, despite advice from medical practitioners, and the situation just goes on. I have been left striving to continue to do my job, giving 100% as I always do. This has not only halted my recovery from the ME/CFS crash that happened a year ago, but has reversed it somewhat.
My body has been less mobile, more painful and on the whole plain old 'doddery-er' than at any time I've been at work. I often drag my legs, stumble, lose balance, shake and can have very painful muscle spasms to contend with, whilst trying to maintain myself and my work persona.
My heart rate has been all over the place, and light and sound sensitivity have threatened to put me on my back more than once. The heavy dragging emptiness of the fatigue (many elephants worth!) is sometimes overwhelming, but me and the herd, we fight on!
Mentally and cognitively the challenges are ELEPHANT SIZED too! I am having to try to keep 'he said this' and 'she said that' all in my head and talk about them with some kind of fake confidence. I am trying to keep written records of key conversations but even committing them to paper is an ordeal that leaves 'elephant footprints' on my brain.....destroying it for the rest of the day!
Face to face meetings about contracts and grievances are horribly difficult to be in. Not only is there the stressful situation, but I am having to keep attention, understand and think through points with little or no support from others. I am under pressure to be able to respond with correct, meaningful words and facts in a confident and positive way. Not always possible for me, and certainly not easy even on the best of days!
My emotions are all over the place-am i able to cope for the next minute, hour, day or week? Is my energy going to hold out for this meeting, or this phone call? How long can i continue to go on like this before i am totally wiped and back on full time sick leave again? Is this what would make some people happy? Endlessly being kept in the dark is also taking an emotional toll.
Please forgive the indulgent 'offloading' that just got in the way of what could have been an informative and interesting post! Maybe when my body, heart and head can relax a little more I'll be able to create one!
Showing posts with label cognitive. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cognitive. Show all posts
Wednesday, 17 November 2010
Monday, 30 August 2010
My Brain Scares Me Sometimes!
I'm missing my holidays, yes I have only worked 2 days per week over the summer, but I've had possibly the most stressful 6 weeks ever!
There have been work stresses which have meant late evening phone calls, conversations which need brain power and concentration in spade loads. Exhausting!
My husband has been doing fencing, making gates etc, for his pigs. This has meant I (and it has to be me because he doesn't drive) have spent many hours going here and there on some errand or another. Buying, sourcing, fetching and carrying bolts, wire, screws, wood, hay, pig food etc etc etc....the list seems endless! Exhausting!
Looking after the pony and carriage, meeting the farrier etc. Being taxi driver for Ben to go back and forth to work at the stable, and his riding lessons. Exhausting!
Trying to cope with family life over the summer, demands v pacing/resting. Need I say more, I know you're all nodding sagely.
Organised a 16th birthday for my son, which I don't begrudge the guy at all, but it's.... wait for it......... Exhausting!
Looking at it all it's little wonder I'm as frazzled as I am, it's a formidable and daunting list. All this mixed in with a hubby who, at times, is a good way short of being understanding, and the general day to day activities that I normally manage.
I think I've done fairly well to still be upright by now!
It is all very stressful, and I feel that stress bodily and mentally, but mostly cognitively. I can forget within a nano-second what I was doing or saying. This is OK when it's something like "which load of washing was I putting in the machine?" But when it's something a bit more important (not that clean clothes aren't important you understand!) such as, when driving, which pedal is the brake? Boy it sometimes scares the pants off me!
That particular lapse has only happened once, just yesterday, and I'm still reeling from the feeling of panic. Having to check in my mirror then take both feet off the pedals and re-evaluate what I was asking them to do. The possible consequences are too much to think about. In fact most things are just now!
These cognitive challenges are a whole post on their own, but the point of this one, I think, is to tie my concrete-headedness in with the difficult times of late. Much as I try not to admit it, I can't handle stress like I used to, and it's getting worse.
There are some difficult times ahead, my son starts college and later this week there is a meeting at work that I would much rather never needed to happen. I am seriously wondering how much longer I will be able to sustain the upright version of me.....!
I hope I can, it's a much better version than the pyjama'd and horizontal one that threatens to rear her 'ugly' head!
I hope, oh faithful and determined reader, that our respective 'worlds' are kind to us this week, and our brains can keep up!!!!!!
There have been work stresses which have meant late evening phone calls, conversations which need brain power and concentration in spade loads. Exhausting!
My husband has been doing fencing, making gates etc, for his pigs. This has meant I (and it has to be me because he doesn't drive) have spent many hours going here and there on some errand or another. Buying, sourcing, fetching and carrying bolts, wire, screws, wood, hay, pig food etc etc etc....the list seems endless! Exhausting!
Looking after the pony and carriage, meeting the farrier etc. Being taxi driver for Ben to go back and forth to work at the stable, and his riding lessons. Exhausting!
Trying to cope with family life over the summer, demands v pacing/resting. Need I say more, I know you're all nodding sagely.
Organised a 16th birthday for my son, which I don't begrudge the guy at all, but it's.... wait for it......... Exhausting!
Looking at it all it's little wonder I'm as frazzled as I am, it's a formidable and daunting list. All this mixed in with a hubby who, at times, is a good way short of being understanding, and the general day to day activities that I normally manage.
I think I've done fairly well to still be upright by now!
It is all very stressful, and I feel that stress bodily and mentally, but mostly cognitively. I can forget within a nano-second what I was doing or saying. This is OK when it's something like "which load of washing was I putting in the machine?" But when it's something a bit more important (not that clean clothes aren't important you understand!) such as, when driving, which pedal is the brake? Boy it sometimes scares the pants off me!
That particular lapse has only happened once, just yesterday, and I'm still reeling from the feeling of panic. Having to check in my mirror then take both feet off the pedals and re-evaluate what I was asking them to do. The possible consequences are too much to think about. In fact most things are just now!
These cognitive challenges are a whole post on their own, but the point of this one, I think, is to tie my concrete-headedness in with the difficult times of late. Much as I try not to admit it, I can't handle stress like I used to, and it's getting worse.
There are some difficult times ahead, my son starts college and later this week there is a meeting at work that I would much rather never needed to happen. I am seriously wondering how much longer I will be able to sustain the upright version of me.....!
I hope I can, it's a much better version than the pyjama'd and horizontal one that threatens to rear her 'ugly' head!
I hope, oh faithful and determined reader, that our respective 'worlds' are kind to us this week, and our brains can keep up!!!!!!
Thursday, 26 August 2010
Thought Stream
Hey it seems like AGES since I wrote anything, it's not been through choice, but life has been keeping me busy, with not much cognitive 'oomph' to spare! I work just two days a week at the moment, and have been trying to keep up with family life and demands over the school holidays.
There is a pretty stressful work situation that has been brewing nicely for the last few months, and is now really taking it's toll on my head and it's tendency to 'jam'. There have been lots of anxious times, and some stressful encounters to try to get through. I am hoping that it will be nearer to it's conclusion next week. Fingers crossed for me! (Cos, if it goes on much longer I dunno if I will have the 'mojo' to keep up with it!)
My son is now 16! I am so proud of him, and the obstacles he overcomes- life has it's challenges for him too. He gained 7 GCSE's and is now looking forward to starting at college soon. He is heavily into horses and riding so he's off to do a horse care course.
Pigs are my husband's latest obsession, or more accurately two Kune Kune weaners (FYI- this is what they're called before they have their first litter) called Agnes and Winnie.
They are both quite nice girls, very affectionate and love a good belly scratch! They eat ALL my non-meat kitchen and garden scraps and are so clean I can't believe it! I have never come across such inoffensive creatures in my life. Think we humans could take a leaf outta their book!
But, having said that, have you ever tried to give a weaner an injection (shot!)? They're not quite so inoffensive then!
When I say obsession, I mean it! Hubby has turned into a 'pig-bore', he even has a webcam set up in their shed so he can see what they're up to 24/7!!! I think there has to be some kind of law against pig-cam, but he is LOVING it! Just looks like a lot of snoring, snoozing and scratching to me though!!! Perhaps that's what he likes about them!??!!
There is no point to this post, just a waffle- sorry if you were on the edge of your seat waiting for the deep and meaningful! It's just not going to happen today!
Health wise, (and I suppose we always have something to say on the matter hey!?) I am struggling with what I suspect will turn out to be Interstitial Cystitis. If you are with me on this one you'll know just what I'm talking about.....! My GP was going to give me something to help with it, but I am heavily against taking drugs until I have tried all other avenues, so I'll rethink this after giving some other lifestyle and diet changes a try first.
My stamina is low, my heartrate high, my head full of concrete and my body heavy, (Well, I suppose the 'head-concrete doesn't help.....!) I'm feeling just a teensy weensy bit frustrated as I'd really like to be boiling beetroots for pickling and making damson jam. But, instead of this I'm laying as flat as possible, TRYING to rest and type...!
I'm having an "oh woe is me" moment, no apologies! I know it'll pass and lets face it, we all have them!
There is a pretty stressful work situation that has been brewing nicely for the last few months, and is now really taking it's toll on my head and it's tendency to 'jam'. There have been lots of anxious times, and some stressful encounters to try to get through. I am hoping that it will be nearer to it's conclusion next week. Fingers crossed for me! (Cos, if it goes on much longer I dunno if I will have the 'mojo' to keep up with it!)
My son is now 16! I am so proud of him, and the obstacles he overcomes- life has it's challenges for him too. He gained 7 GCSE's and is now looking forward to starting at college soon. He is heavily into horses and riding so he's off to do a horse care course.
Pigs are my husband's latest obsession, or more accurately two Kune Kune weaners (FYI- this is what they're called before they have their first litter) called Agnes and Winnie.
They are both quite nice girls, very affectionate and love a good belly scratch! They eat ALL my non-meat kitchen and garden scraps and are so clean I can't believe it! I have never come across such inoffensive creatures in my life. Think we humans could take a leaf outta their book!
But, having said that, have you ever tried to give a weaner an injection (shot!)? They're not quite so inoffensive then!
When I say obsession, I mean it! Hubby has turned into a 'pig-bore', he even has a webcam set up in their shed so he can see what they're up to 24/7!!! I think there has to be some kind of law against pig-cam, but he is LOVING it! Just looks like a lot of snoring, snoozing and scratching to me though!!! Perhaps that's what he likes about them!??!!
There is no point to this post, just a waffle- sorry if you were on the edge of your seat waiting for the deep and meaningful! It's just not going to happen today!
Health wise, (and I suppose we always have something to say on the matter hey!?) I am struggling with what I suspect will turn out to be Interstitial Cystitis. If you are with me on this one you'll know just what I'm talking about.....! My GP was going to give me something to help with it, but I am heavily against taking drugs until I have tried all other avenues, so I'll rethink this after giving some other lifestyle and diet changes a try first.
My stamina is low, my heartrate high, my head full of concrete and my body heavy, (Well, I suppose the 'head-concrete doesn't help.....!) I'm feeling just a teensy weensy bit frustrated as I'd really like to be boiling beetroots for pickling and making damson jam. But, instead of this I'm laying as flat as possible, TRYING to rest and type...!
I'm having an "oh woe is me" moment, no apologies! I know it'll pass and lets face it, we all have them!
Saturday, 14 August 2010
Lost the plot!
Just can't seem to come up with anything interesting or even mildly diverting today, my head is creating a world of it's own and doesn't seem to have let me in on the plot!
I tried to talk to my friend last evening but the words just would not come, too hard to get them in my head, ordered, and spoken in a sensible and coherent way! Poor girl, she had to keep breaking the silence herself, whereas normally I can be relied upon to waffle on for Britain! I managed a few sentences of 'cocktail party' type chat, but nothing meaningful!! Sorry A!
This morning I tried to have a reasoned and sensible talk with my hubby, but I couldn't manage to make what was in my head come out of my mouth. Now, he'll tell you that is not something I usually have an issue with! Ha!
I really had trouble forming the thoughts and finding the words, it was worse than normal, and much more frustrating because I really wanted/needed to talk to him this morning. (Not that I don't at any other time you understand!)
'Thinking through treacle' doesn't touch how it feels, nor does 'brain fog'. I may have to return to that tired old analogy of 'Concrete'! As some of you will know I have regular attacks of 'concrete-headed-ness' and it can be extremely debilitating. Trying to explain to hubby, through the concrete, that I couldn't get my thoughts and words sorted, without the thoughts or words needed for such an explanation, was nigh on impossible today. I just stumbled about a bit, saying goodness knows what and floundering! Doesn't make for a good start to the day.
It all seems to be much worse at the moment, which I think is probably due to some pretty stressful situations here and there, taking their toll on my health and little grey cells. It doesn't take much extra in the brain, to throw it completely and render me a useless lump of uncommunicative, tastefully pyjama'd wife!
When I'm stressed I need to be able to think things through, to work out possible consequences and how it may be best to deal with them. But instead I find all I am doing is trying to bludgeon my way through the concrete to thoughts which whirl and slide about, making me more frustrated and emotional than relaxed and sorted.
Hey ho! For someone who's thoughts are 'sleeping with the fishes' I've managed quite a long post.....sorry if it's rambled, but I guess you're used to me by now!
I tried to talk to my friend last evening but the words just would not come, too hard to get them in my head, ordered, and spoken in a sensible and coherent way! Poor girl, she had to keep breaking the silence herself, whereas normally I can be relied upon to waffle on for Britain! I managed a few sentences of 'cocktail party' type chat, but nothing meaningful!! Sorry A!
This morning I tried to have a reasoned and sensible talk with my hubby, but I couldn't manage to make what was in my head come out of my mouth. Now, he'll tell you that is not something I usually have an issue with! Ha!
I really had trouble forming the thoughts and finding the words, it was worse than normal, and much more frustrating because I really wanted/needed to talk to him this morning. (Not that I don't at any other time you understand!)
'Thinking through treacle' doesn't touch how it feels, nor does 'brain fog'. I may have to return to that tired old analogy of 'Concrete'! As some of you will know I have regular attacks of 'concrete-headed-ness' and it can be extremely debilitating. Trying to explain to hubby, through the concrete, that I couldn't get my thoughts and words sorted, without the thoughts or words needed for such an explanation, was nigh on impossible today. I just stumbled about a bit, saying goodness knows what and floundering! Doesn't make for a good start to the day.
It all seems to be much worse at the moment, which I think is probably due to some pretty stressful situations here and there, taking their toll on my health and little grey cells. It doesn't take much extra in the brain, to throw it completely and render me a useless lump of uncommunicative, tastefully pyjama'd wife!
When I'm stressed I need to be able to think things through, to work out possible consequences and how it may be best to deal with them. But instead I find all I am doing is trying to bludgeon my way through the concrete to thoughts which whirl and slide about, making me more frustrated and emotional than relaxed and sorted.
Hey ho! For someone who's thoughts are 'sleeping with the fishes' I've managed quite a long post.....sorry if it's rambled, but I guess you're used to me by now!
Sunday, 11 July 2010
Whatever next?
I blogged some time ago about my hubby's plans for keeping a couple of pigs in our orchard, but you never heard anything more.
Well, here we go again, he takes delivery of two gilts (sow piglets) next week! OMG, take a long look at my orchard as it is cos I think it may be a little less picturesque after they move in!
I don't really think he's fully aware of how much of his time they may take, and there's not a chance I will be mucking out or filling feed troughs! I don't think pig keeping figures highly on the recommended coping strategies for ME/CFS!
It's a fair way from the house to the orchard, (past the yurt!) so I'll only be visiting on those good days anyway!
Yesterday he and his father made a gate, and put in the fence posts around the pigpen. Today they plan to put the wire on the fence, and plumb in the water trough. Where do they find their energy from...? My hubby's father is only 76!!!
I went down, held a few bits of wood in the right place for measuring etc, then retreated to the house for a rest! Ahh, (sighs wistfully) I used to be the one working from dawn till dusk on a project like this, enjoying the whole process.
I really miss the sense of achievement I used to get from a busy day gardening or something like that. Now, thinking about it, I feel rather removed from my garden, and the whole excitement surrounding the piggy-arrivals.
I tend to just experience things in terms of seats and hammocks, as opposed to the spades and lawnmowers of the past. Mmm, feeling a little wistful now.......
I would have enjoyed the pig aspect much more too, pre-M.E. But, as it is I tend to look upon everything with cautious eyes, hoping that the elephants wont strike!
(Hey, sorry but it must have been a couple of posts since the last 'Elephant' reference, so live with it!)
Body and brain tired, thinking through sludge again, eyes preferring not to focus properly, muscle spasms, sensitive hearing etc etc, but this crazy life goes on...!
Pet pigs, whatever next?!?!???
Well, here we go again, he takes delivery of two gilts (sow piglets) next week! OMG, take a long look at my orchard as it is cos I think it may be a little less picturesque after they move in!
I don't really think he's fully aware of how much of his time they may take, and there's not a chance I will be mucking out or filling feed troughs! I don't think pig keeping figures highly on the recommended coping strategies for ME/CFS!
It's a fair way from the house to the orchard, (past the yurt!) so I'll only be visiting on those good days anyway!
Yesterday he and his father made a gate, and put in the fence posts around the pigpen. Today they plan to put the wire on the fence, and plumb in the water trough. Where do they find their energy from...? My hubby's father is only 76!!!
I went down, held a few bits of wood in the right place for measuring etc, then retreated to the house for a rest! Ahh, (sighs wistfully) I used to be the one working from dawn till dusk on a project like this, enjoying the whole process.
I really miss the sense of achievement I used to get from a busy day gardening or something like that. Now, thinking about it, I feel rather removed from my garden, and the whole excitement surrounding the piggy-arrivals.
I tend to just experience things in terms of seats and hammocks, as opposed to the spades and lawnmowers of the past. Mmm, feeling a little wistful now.......
I would have enjoyed the pig aspect much more too, pre-M.E. But, as it is I tend to look upon everything with cautious eyes, hoping that the elephants wont strike!
(Hey, sorry but it must have been a couple of posts since the last 'Elephant' reference, so live with it!)
Body and brain tired, thinking through sludge again, eyes preferring not to focus properly, muscle spasms, sensitive hearing etc etc, but this crazy life goes on...!
Pet pigs, whatever next?!?!???
Tuesday, 6 July 2010
Concrete in the mist!
23- This is how many times I've started this post this morning....! Oh the things my head is and isn't doing today. It's a painful mess of whizzing/flickering thoughts, images and snippets of remembered sounds.
On days like these I can best describe my head as 'concrete' in the mist.....! The mist swirls with these unwanted and incredibly random thoughts and 'stuff'. If I try to navigate through this mist, to think properly, I eventually get to the concrete.....this is what has happened to the rest of my brain!
(It's now much later, it's exhausting this blogging, especially when someone has concreted the inside of my head!)
It feels physically heavy and 'set'. Not in a nice 'set yogurt' or 'jelly (jello)' kind of way, but definitely concrete.
Thinking and trying to be creative (blogging etc) through this is incredible, and I think i'm going on about it too much, but today I'm really struggling and have to admit to that! I can't remember a time it was ever this bad!
It's not going to be a post with a point, I'm just resigned to that after hours of trying to write and failing,......!
This is probably my most debilitating symptom, and certainly hard to describe to others, especially our nearest, dearest and interested others. Hubby has retreated, as he can see how tough i'm finding it today.
I hope you all have a concrete-free day!
On days like these I can best describe my head as 'concrete' in the mist.....! The mist swirls with these unwanted and incredibly random thoughts and 'stuff'. If I try to navigate through this mist, to think properly, I eventually get to the concrete.....this is what has happened to the rest of my brain!
(It's now much later, it's exhausting this blogging, especially when someone has concreted the inside of my head!)
It feels physically heavy and 'set'. Not in a nice 'set yogurt' or 'jelly (jello)' kind of way, but definitely concrete.
Thinking and trying to be creative (blogging etc) through this is incredible, and I think i'm going on about it too much, but today I'm really struggling and have to admit to that! I can't remember a time it was ever this bad!
It's not going to be a post with a point, I'm just resigned to that after hours of trying to write and failing,......!
This is probably my most debilitating symptom, and certainly hard to describe to others, especially our nearest, dearest and interested others. Hubby has retreated, as he can see how tough i'm finding it today.
I hope you all have a concrete-free day!
Wednesday, 28 April 2010
Creativity Rocks!
Inspiration, inspiration, inspiration....! Where does it come from? Asda, Walmart, Tesco? Nothing that simple I'm afraid, has to come from the brain, the very thing that doesn't work so well these days!
Mine is fried by any new thought, anything I've got to turn my attention to, which I was unprepared for.
I often seem to be frying brains, the menu needs to change around here - ! My personal thoughts and creativity leave me when the brain is frying, and that's so hard. My need to switch off the head and relax/be creative, is so much greater, but because it takes longer to get through a simple chain of thought, the time left over for relaxing the 'melon' gets less and less.
I do find myself getting stressed out if I've not had the chance to think things out properly, then I forget details and it all gets messy in my head. I try to avoid that, my house is messy enough, but I like a nice tidy head! (Perhaps I need a cleaner!?? or, a head-hoover!!!)
Because of this I admire creativity in others so much more. Especially in my fellow 'Elephant Carriers', as we have to be really dedicated to create at all. I especially enjoy words, the meaningful ones that 'speak' to me when I need them to. My great friend at 'Lemon-aid'- Kerry, is great at finding quotes and poems which are meaningful. Thanks Kerry! (run over to check her blog....She's a fine woman, and an honest and thoughtful blogger! The link is on my page!)
I have also become fb friends with a very talented gal, Stacy. She writes and records songs whilst sitting under elephants herself. I listen to her songs so much when I need the meaningful lyrics to speak to me. Especially the ones she writes about her experiences of M.E. She's kindly allowed me free hand to put some of her lyrics here, Stacy, thankyou, I have indeed- 'filled my boots'!
I know the process isn't easy, but her determination, honesty and attitude is inspiring- you blushing yet Stacy !???
I'll shut up- here's a taster of Stacy's lyrics, my favourite song- 'Weary Bones'
'Lift up these weary bones and wrap them safely in your arms,
Let me take some shelter till my stormy world is calm.
Let me catch my breath, regain my strength,
Put me on my feet.
But for a day or two I'm asking you,
Oh, will you carry me?
Just for a little while, yeah?
Just for a little while.'
Here's the link to her song, to hear how lovely it is, maybe it will 'speak' to you guys too.
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.reverbnation.com%2Fplay_now%2Fsong_2502394&h=1e3e4
Mine is fried by any new thought, anything I've got to turn my attention to, which I was unprepared for.
I often seem to be frying brains, the menu needs to change around here - ! My personal thoughts and creativity leave me when the brain is frying, and that's so hard. My need to switch off the head and relax/be creative, is so much greater, but because it takes longer to get through a simple chain of thought, the time left over for relaxing the 'melon' gets less and less.
I do find myself getting stressed out if I've not had the chance to think things out properly, then I forget details and it all gets messy in my head. I try to avoid that, my house is messy enough, but I like a nice tidy head! (Perhaps I need a cleaner!?? or, a head-hoover!!!)
Because of this I admire creativity in others so much more. Especially in my fellow 'Elephant Carriers', as we have to be really dedicated to create at all. I especially enjoy words, the meaningful ones that 'speak' to me when I need them to. My great friend at 'Lemon-aid'- Kerry, is great at finding quotes and poems which are meaningful. Thanks Kerry! (run over to check her blog....She's a fine woman, and an honest and thoughtful blogger! The link is on my page!)
I have also become fb friends with a very talented gal, Stacy. She writes and records songs whilst sitting under elephants herself. I listen to her songs so much when I need the meaningful lyrics to speak to me. Especially the ones she writes about her experiences of M.E. She's kindly allowed me free hand to put some of her lyrics here, Stacy, thankyou, I have indeed- 'filled my boots'!
I know the process isn't easy, but her determination, honesty and attitude is inspiring- you blushing yet Stacy !???
I'll shut up- here's a taster of Stacy's lyrics, my favourite song- 'Weary Bones'
'Lift up these weary bones and wrap them safely in your arms,
Let me take some shelter till my stormy world is calm.
Let me catch my breath, regain my strength,
Put me on my feet.
But for a day or two I'm asking you,
Oh, will you carry me?
Just for a little while, yeah?
Just for a little while.'
Here's the link to her song, to hear how lovely it is, maybe it will 'speak' to you guys too.
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.reverbnation.com%2Fplay_now%2Fsong_2502394&h=1e3e4
Tuesday, 13 April 2010
.......??!!
Long time no see!
I've been having some trouble getting a blog organised in my swirling blob of senseless brain! One of the most difficult challenges I have with my M.E./CFS (or my elephant, if you're not sick of the analogy by now!) is coping with reading, and writing text.
Just organising the thoughts, finding words that sound like they came from an earthling, (not some alien creature with a 'Teach Yourself English' phrasebook!) and then getting them down in print is a mammoth task for me. I'm often starting blogs, then after a few minutes I'm left disorientated and exhausted by the effort. In real pain and sensory meltdown.
To M.E./CFS newbies this must seem very weird, and kind of irrational-as sometimes I manage to string the sentences together almost coherently!
I can't write if I'm tired, shaking, in too much pain, being spoken to, or there's ANY kind of background noise. I need total quiet to have a chance of having a clear enough stream of thoughts.
I'm struggling big time just now, thinking about packing this blog in, as my husband (never gets it -Bless him!) has been in my bedroom giving me a rundown of something that happened to him yesterday. I know if I tell him to tell me later he'll be upset, so I just sit, and my brain loses all train of thought.
He's gone now, but my train has gone with him! VERY frustrating as I've been struggling with this all week!
It's almost a physical sensation. I'll try to describe it whilst it's happening, excuse any bad or mixed up sentences from here on.....
My head feels different, solid almost. I'm trying to find words and sentences to describe it but a list is easier-
heavy, turmoil, chaos, over-capacity, confusion, jammed up, can't think a thought to it's end - it gets lost-I get lost! I must stop-not the blog post I had in mind today, but I can't remember what it was. Maybe we have hubby to thank!
Humour-gone, coherency-gone, thinking-gone. Sorry!
I will be back !
I've been having some trouble getting a blog organised in my swirling blob of senseless brain! One of the most difficult challenges I have with my M.E./CFS (or my elephant, if you're not sick of the analogy by now!) is coping with reading, and writing text.
Just organising the thoughts, finding words that sound like they came from an earthling, (not some alien creature with a 'Teach Yourself English' phrasebook!) and then getting them down in print is a mammoth task for me. I'm often starting blogs, then after a few minutes I'm left disorientated and exhausted by the effort. In real pain and sensory meltdown.
To M.E./CFS newbies this must seem very weird, and kind of irrational-as sometimes I manage to string the sentences together almost coherently!
I can't write if I'm tired, shaking, in too much pain, being spoken to, or there's ANY kind of background noise. I need total quiet to have a chance of having a clear enough stream of thoughts.
I'm struggling big time just now, thinking about packing this blog in, as my husband (never gets it -Bless him!) has been in my bedroom giving me a rundown of something that happened to him yesterday. I know if I tell him to tell me later he'll be upset, so I just sit, and my brain loses all train of thought.
He's gone now, but my train has gone with him! VERY frustrating as I've been struggling with this all week!
It's almost a physical sensation. I'll try to describe it whilst it's happening, excuse any bad or mixed up sentences from here on.....
My head feels different, solid almost. I'm trying to find words and sentences to describe it but a list is easier-
heavy, turmoil, chaos, over-capacity, confusion, jammed up, can't think a thought to it's end - it gets lost-I get lost! I must stop-not the blog post I had in mind today, but I can't remember what it was. Maybe we have hubby to thank!
Humour-gone, coherency-gone, thinking-gone. Sorry!
I will be back !
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